If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
