ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
