I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
