i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
