he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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