Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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