Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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