oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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