dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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