For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The Olympian is in my bed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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