Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
