Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
