i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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