she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
