Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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