I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
