I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
