Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
