im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
