I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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