I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
