You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
