My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
