I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
