You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
