Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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