I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
