don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
