awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
