I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
bring money and cleavage
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
