did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
