Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Of course I have a pirate flag
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
