wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
