who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I have post one night stand depression
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