he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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