I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You ruined the universe
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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