I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
