the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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