Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This baby is an asshole
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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