Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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