he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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