I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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