Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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