you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
BRING THE BAGELS
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i believe in u and ur pee
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
