wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
