Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
