I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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