we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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