i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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