DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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