guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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