Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
