Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
